teaser for The Art of Beloning
by DrakeRise
Summary: A teaser chapter segment for a self insert i am writing. I just feel evil enough to publish this. When my biggest secret is revealed to the group, what will the consequences be? Can i patch things up or will it be too late? Will i fall into the abyss or will Lloyd save me once again? Please... I need you... warnings inside.


In this story I am a self insert. I am twenty three or twenty four years old at this point in the story.

I had lived in Iselia with Lloyd for two years. I had lived with him and Dirk. Lloyd and Dirk are the only ones who know I am female since I dress like a boy all the time. I had never told anyone why and Lloyd and Dirk didn't mind. After I had been living with them for a year Lloyd made a necklace for me.

This story takes part at some point in the Tethe'alla ark of the game. I am not sure when exactly. The king had gone missing and the princess wanted Zelos to find out who kidnapped him. Since we were still wanted criminals at the time we could hardly walk into the castle as we were so we decided that two of us would go under cover at the ball the next day. Lloyd and I elected to go since I was the easiest to go in disguise and Lloyd was the only male of our group who could go.

This scene is what happens when we get back.

**WARNING! contains Gore, Character Death, Sadness, Depression issues, Possible triggers, Angst, Transsexuals and Me. **You have been warned.

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Raine stood, glaring down at me. "So, Drake. What reason do you have for not telling us you are a woman?"

I blushed and looked to the side. "That's my business."

Zelos glared at me. "Ya know, Drake, if you've been lying about this, then what else have you been lying about? How can we trust you if we don't know if anything you're saying is a lie or not?"

I shook my head. "Please... I... I don't..."

Lloyd stood up. "Guys. Come one, Draceena has her reasons. Just leave her be."

Regal shook his head. "Zelos makes a good point, Lloyd. If she has been lying about this then how are we going to be able to trust her again?"

I looked around the room with watery eyes. Lloyd was glaring at everyone but everyone else was glaring at me. I felt the tears drip from my eyes. Why now? Why did I have to lose control so easily? Why did I have to react this strongly to them, their words and their actions? Why did it hurt so much?

Because they're all I have.

I felt my chest tighten and the flow of tears increased. They are all I have. I don't belong in this world. I wasn't born here. I have no home. No family. I don't belong. Why did I ever let myself think I did? I was just setting myself up for disaster. No one wants me. No one needs me. I was a burden to everyone. I did nothing but get in the way.

Why did I let myself care?

I shook my head and wiped at my eyes. I looked down at my lap and closed my eyes tightly, desperately trying (And failing) to hold back my sobs. I smashed the heels of my palms into my eyes and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt someone lay a hand on my shoulder and I flinched away from them before curling into a ball and replacing my hands with my knees so I could wrap my arms around my legs.

Why did I let them in?

I knew they would never care. I knew I couldn't stay. Even if I survived until the end of their journey there was still the fact that I might end up going back to earth. I had no place here. I was doomed from the start. Why did I let them in? Why did I let myself care?

Why can't I do anything right?

I didn't stop to think about what their reactions would be when they found out. It never crossed my eyes that Sheena could go with Lloyd. She has more experience going undercover. It was the obvious choice, but no, I just had to try and do it myself. Why was I so stupid?

I had no idea how long I sat there sobbing for. I think I fell asleep at some point. I must have done because when I woke up I was in my bedroom. I sat up in the bed and realised someone had changed me into a night dress. I grimaced and whipped the offending garment off. I found my stuff fairly quickly and put on a pair of trousers and a shirt.

I stared at my tanto.

Did I dare?

Yeah. I had no other options right now. The only people in the worlds who could understand me can't anymore. The people here don't trust me and even if I went back to earth, I had changed so much that I doubt I would be able to fit in again. I was doomed to forever be an outcast.

A freak.

Unwanted.

Unloved.

Useless.

A burden.

A waste of space.

A poison on the world.

A mistake.

I should never have been born.

I picked up my tanto and stood up. A quick glance at the silver necklace Lloyd had given me had me putting it down and pulling out a piece of paper. My writing was bad but he at least deserved to know.

'_Lloyd._

_I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. No. I'm not sorry. I'll never be sorry. I am sorry I let myself care about you and the others. I knew I was doomed from the start. I don't belong in this world. I don't fit in. I am sorry I let you care about me. I know this will hurt you more than anything. I am sorry for that._

_I don't want to hurt you, Lloyd. But I can't keep going like this. It was almost impossible to bear with living before I met you. You were the only thing that pulled me through. I was so close to the edge._

_So close._

_But you pulled me back. You gave me hope. And I thank you for that. But it's too late now. It's too late. You can't save me this time._

_You taught me to be brave. You taught me to be strong. You helped me overcome my fears and the pain of my past but now... it's too late._

_I know the others will never trust me again. It's too late to salvage our relationship now. Even if they did decide to let me continue to accompany you all they will never trust me with anything. They will try to keep me in the dark about everything._

_You asked me years ago why I pretended to be a guy. I'll tell you why. I can tell you here because I know I won't see your reaction. I won't see your disgust or hatred. I won't have to die knowing I destroyed our friendship. At least like this I can pretend._

_I'm Transsexual. I was born a woman but in my head I'm a man. I feel wrong in my body. I don't want to be a woman. That's not what I should have been born as. I know it's not right to feel like this. I know there is nothing that can be done about it. I try to convince everyone I'm a man so that maybe I can convince myself for a while. It doesn't help that there are three pieces of evidence that remind me constantly that I wasn't born right. The lack of anything between my legs and those two horrible lumps on my chest._

_Sure, there are times when I am comfortable being a woman, but those moments are few and far between. I hate that I was born like this. I should never have been born. I'm a freak. A mistake. A burden._

_I should have stayed in Iselia. I should have stayed in Luin before I went to Iselia. I should have let Kvar have me then. I don't know... I regret meeting you only because I can imagine what you would be feeling when you find out what I'm about to do._

_I'm sorry. I just can't keep going on like this. I'm a freak who should never have been born. I'm sorry you had to put up with me all these years. I have to go. I can't stay. Not like this._

_Goodbye Lloyd. You will always be my first and only friend._

_Finding peace in the afterlife, Draceena._'

I placed the letter on my pillow and picked up my tanto. I found the bathroom no problem. This was the only place I wouldn't leave a mess. I lay down in the bath and raised the blade up high, bringing it down straight into my chest. I gasped at the crippling pain but managed not to cry out. I was used to being stabbed by this point. Besides, the physical pain was nothing to the emotional pain of having the only people I cared about in the three worlds I had been to, turn on my like that.

I took shuddering, unsteady breaths. It was difficult to breath with a sword in your chest.

I could feel the warm blood soaking into my shirt. I lay my head back against the bath and closed my eyes.

My head was hurting a bit but I was getting more and more lightheaded by the second.

I smiled.

This was nice.

I should have done this years ago.

Just as I slipped unconscious I realised I had forgotten to lock the door. I only realised when the door opened and the silence was filled with an ear splitting shriek before I fell into blackness.

Hopefully I won't wake up this time.

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Mwaahaahaa

review please, i want to know weather or not you cried. (evil grin)


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